she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Brb crying the tears of my youth
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
