bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
