I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
