If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
