he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
