When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
