I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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