I think I won the penis lottery.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
