Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
