I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
