census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
