if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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