I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
