If that was your dad, he is hot
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
