I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
