you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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