these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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