you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
