just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
