Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My vagina is officially offended.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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