Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
