when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
