omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
