The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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