omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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