if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
