Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
