I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
