I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
