i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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