totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
