Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
