According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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