I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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