your parents love me but you hate me
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
