Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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