I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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