im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
