how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize