When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
