This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
