I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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