Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
