i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If I had your ass I would rule the world
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
