I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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