Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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