hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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