Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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