do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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