I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
