im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
