i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
