Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
