Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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