i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
