I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
