you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
