My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
